LIME » EU / Europe

Polish President Dies in a Plane Crash

Rainer — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 13:16:26 +0000

(SMOLENSK) The President of Poland, Lech Kaczynski, and a number of other leading Polish politicians, including the Poland’s army chief and commanders of ground, naval and air forces, died in a plane crash in Smolensk, Russia, near the border of Belarus on Saturday morning.
The delegation was flying in from Warsaw to mark the 70th anniversary of the Katyn massacre of thousands of Poles by Soviet forces during WWII where Stalin tried to annihilate the Polish military lead.

LIME’s irony committee expresses it’s condolences.

More accurate news from the Al Jazeera

Billions Promised for Whole New Haiti

Rainer — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 02:39:32 +0000

(UTOPIA) The UN donors conference on Wednesday promised billions to rebuild shaken Haiti.
EU promised relief package of 1.2 billion euros and world’s biggest economy, United States, promised “over 850 million dollars to match EU’s offer”. Too bad the economists mixed the € and $ signs when calculating the conversion.
According to UN over 8.5 billion Euros is required to rebuild Haiti.

According to the 10 year plan unilaterally planned on the conference the plan is not to just fix the damage, but to build a “whole new Haiti” the planning committee describes. The relief for “Whole New Haiti” program will come with a condition where Haiti is required to modernize it’s governmental culture and privatize currently government maintained services such as transportation, electricity, water services, healthcare, social services, schools and government.
“Essentially Haiti will become a better democracy through privatization in accordance with the IMF guidelines. Haiti will become the new paradise. Imagine an affordable holiday resort with minimal governmental control where the hotel and business owners are not penalized and unnecessarily controlled“, the 10 year plan spokesperson Adam Smith explains, “cheap labor, no taxes, they all contribute for better holiday experience”.
The committees plan is to build a model state which will rise like a phoenix following the “Cameronian model”.
“It will be a modern paradise!”.

World News Still Draw General Public’s Attention

Rainer — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 02:11:40 +0000

(STETSON) According to the annual research by Harrison-Stetson Institute the General Public is still quite interested of international news and current affairs.
While the Finnish public was intrigued about the culture and rites of a long term French minority organization (Masonries Reveal Their Secrets in France), supporting the import of less less mainstream foreign artists (“Uncle-Brush” Having Tight Schedule in Finland) and analyzing the long term effects of global warming (Researchers’ Mistakes Have Increased the Climate Confusion), their counterparts in UK were reading about discriminatory airline policies and the effects of social media on them (Kevin Smith Thrown off Southwest Airlines Plane for Being “Too Big”), analyzing the global effects of climate change through political measures (Utah Delivers Vote of No Confidence for “Climate Alarmists”) and about the socio-phychologic effects of new social media fronts (Online Voyeurs Flock to the Random Thrills of Chatroulette).
“The reaction we got of the original survey we started few years back was so good, especially the interest on the methodology we were using, that we decided to expand it to cover multiple fronts. This time we analyzed the reading habits of UK and US population in addition to the Finnish ones and we found out the results are quite alike — people are interested of world news and politics. Especially about climate change”, Harrison Stetson, of the Harrison-Stetson Institute, explained. “Though the US counterparts were also quite interested of the domestic affairs”.
The General Public in US expressed interest on analyzing the effect of religious views of the constitution writers in relation to the modern legislation making process (How Christian Were the Founders?) and on the globe-economical effect of the European Monetary Union’s currency and it’s political effects (The Makings of a Euromess).

On the interview to CB General Public agreed on the in-depth analysis of Harrison-Stetson Institute, but also reminded that “The Olympics is on and you’re standing in front of the TV”, while quickly typing chatroulette’s address to google hoping that facebook would’ve fixed it’s login page this already. “Have you seen the latest photos of the 9-year old samba queen? She’s a bit of a crybaby but boy do I want to see her grow“, General Public concludes the analysis while wiping drool from lips.

In other news a school collapsed in Haiti killing several children and almost 20 people have been killed in a train crash outside Brussels.

Desperately Seeking Duvalier

Rainer — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 22:51:40 +0000

(PORT-AU-PRINCE) Upon the recent tragedy in Haiti, the Haiti Reconstruction Coalition, formed as an international venture lead by EU Foreign Affairs and USAID, has started to look for a suitable person to oversee the reconstruction of Haiti. Once again the international attention has concentrated once again to a familiar name in the history of Haiti — Duvalier.
Duvalier’s family has long ties with Haiti and members of the family served the country through political efforts, some even reaching presidency. The first Duvalier to reach this level was François Duvalier, acclaimed doctor and well known for his fight against tropical deceases such as malaria, yaws and typhus, which earned him the nickname “Papa-Doc” — Father Doctor. He was also well known opposition member openly protesting against the 1950 military coup. He was elected as a president of Haiti on a black national platform on 1956 and was succeeded by his son, Jean-Claude, on 1964 who was known for his ambitions for democratic reform through political acts of releasing political prisoners and easing the freedom of press.
“It’s because of these qualities, the history of Haiti and the heritage of the Duvalier family that we thing the modern Duvaliers would be suitable to lead the reconstruction of Haiti”, the spokesperson for Haiti Reconstruction Coalition explains, “We’re confident that the Duvalier family would be more than willing to take the task of taking care of Haiti once more and oversee the new birth of the country with the means of New Millennium approach to Duvalierism”

Shocking News: Heroin May Harm Your Health

Rainer — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 00:48:39 +0000

(PALPABLE) Due to the recent health contraints with heroin doctors are recommending, “for real this time”, drug users to stop heroin usage.
“I recommend all drug users to immediately stop using heroin and contact the health officials”, Scottish epidemologist Johnny McObvious stressed.
The Scottish health ministry is also warning that also other injected drugs may be harmful for the users’ health.

More accurate news from The Guardian.

Finland violated the Paris treaty!

Rainer — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 10:51:09 +0000

President Dmitri Medvedev of ~~Soviet Uni…~~ Federation of Russia issued a diplomatic missive for Finland early this morning as Finland violated the 1947 Paris Peace treaty.
The violation happened when the Finnish Rail Administration failed to maintain and protect a 7km long border railroad in Salla, Northern Finland, and let someone steal several hundreds of metres of railroad.
Medvedev threatened Finland immediately to rebuild the railway or ~~Soviet Un…~~ Russia will come and build it, even by force to protect it’s sovereignty from the fascistic Axis powers. ~~Soviet U…~~Russia is already training a peace keeping force to make sure the 7km long rail road will stay intact. “We do not care if the railroad hasn’t been used since 1944 — Finland has impudently violated the section of Paris treaty they forgot to dismiss in 1992. This is a matter of a principle” Medvedev stated on his missive.

Finnish Foreign Minister and the Chairman of OSCE Alexander Stubb has already agreed to travel on site to Salla and has already dismissed the treaty talks between Russia and Georgia to address this more compelling issue.

Lapland and Åland also striving for independence

Rainer — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 09:59:49 +0000

Finland expressed “deep concerns” regarding Kosovo’s one-sided independence declaration. Finland is a Northern European country with two different separatistic areas Åland and Lapland who both have tried to declare independence several times in the past, but the acts have so far been crushed by the efficient and well trained Finnish Army as well as fast reacting and internationally lobbing Finnish political figures.

Åland’s status was stabilized on UN mandate on 1945 after the long war and near genocide between Finland and Åland. The archaic swedish dialect speaking inhabitants of Åland who mostly live with their traditional trade of potato chips have been declared as “endangered species” by the UN. Åland also continues offering their shores as a safe haven for international ships trying to sell tax-free alcohol and tobacco.
Åland is an island in the Baltic sea with no natural resources and temperate climate.

Lapland’s efforts to declare independence have so far died on the oppression coming also from neighboring countries Sweden and Norway to whom’s areas the Lappish inhabitants have also spread. Finland, Sweden and Norway are afraid of “domino-effect” which could follow if Lapland would declare independence. “Next thing you know Jylland and Skåne declares independence as well and we didn’t conquer half of Europe several centuries ago to see our proud Svealand crumble into peaces now!” the Swedish Minister of Defense Sten Tolgfors explained.

The independence struggle of Lapland and Åland have received international attention of and are backed up by EU states such as France and Spain as well from countries such as Russia and China.

Kosovo’s Trust on herself

Rainer — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 09:30:28 +0000

Kosovo, who just declared herself independent, wows to stand on her feet and does not express any regrets or fears, but still hopes that EU, US, UN, IMF and World Bank, not to mention NATO, to back her up a bit. “Just a bit politically, monetarily and militarily till next week – or latest to the next decade”, explained Kosovo’s Prime Minister, and potential new President for next three-four, perhaps five terms, Hashim Thaci. “Not because we couldn’t really do it ourself. It’s just to show we’re independent and equal part of the international community“.

Video: US Airforce bombing British convoy on 2003 in Iraq

Rainer — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 12:16:02 +0000

If you need to find one good thing about tabloid magazines is that they publish anything to get viewers and publicity. The Sun just published “a video that does not exist” on their website about the bombing of English convoy by US Airforce on 2003 which lead to a kill of a British soldier.
The video is expected to raise a tight debate because do far the US has denied any usage of the video. The tape was kept hidden even from the widow of the killed British soldier. The British Ministry of Justice has started an investigation, which probably won’t lead to anything drastic as the US never hands out soldiers for foreign courts.
On the video recorded by the A-10 Thunderbolt’s camera the pilots ponder if the convoy is friends or foes. After getting confirmation that there shouldn’t be any friends on the area, and falsely interpreting the orange plates used for recognizing friends as rocket launchers, they decide to strike. Two minutes after strike they hear that they have actually bombed a british convoy -which if I recall correctly also had members of press with them- and they receive abort mission -signal.
On the tape one can hear the pilot cursing, repeating we’re going to jail and weeping.

Britain renewing it’s nuclear warheads

Rainer — Mon, 04 Dec 2006 17:32:38 +0000

Great Britain announced today with the mouth of Tony Blair that they will continue the upkeep of their nuclear arsenal. Blair announced that they will replace the obsolete strategic warheads in nuclear subs with new ones.
“We just cannot be sure that our brave country wouldn’t be threatened with nuclear weapons in the next decades”, Blair explained the decision standing leached next to G. W. Bush, while violently coughing and head twitching towards Bush. “We also must remember a new possible threat beside the jolly-good-old North-Korea and Iran” Blair continued accidentally pointing towards Bush.
“We generally just want to protect ourself against possible bully roaming mindlessly around the globe attacking countries just their own agenda on the background”